I'm not gone, just taking a break

This past month has been so busy and stressful that I found myself not even having time to post much and fell way behind in reading blogs. It go to the point where the last 3 weeks I didn't go on my computer much at all. My schedule for work changed and my time at home alone is now greatly diminished. When Shadow(since he joined the DD forums and such with this name I will call him that for now on) is home I prefer to spend my time with him rather than jumping online to read blogs or post my own.

Due to this when I signed on earlier this week I found many blogs empty and was quite confused. I figured out what happened and it's a bit disappointing to have DD misrepresented as it was but there will always be narrow minded and judgmental people. No way around that for those of us that choose to live this lifestyle.

On the DD front I have been so busy with things that I haven't gotten in trouble much at all, but even when there were little issues there was no spanking really. However most of those times I could understand having the punishment or not and able to accept it easily enough. But then there was an incident that was over the top. I didn't just put a foot over the line or jump across.

Nope.

I jumped across and kept going.

I left the line way behind and went for a run in forbidden territory.

However I ended up being sick that evening and he was unable to spank so I had to wait until the next night.

So I spend the next day a bit nervous about it and then... nothing.


Well I was very confused and a bit of a mess the rest of the night. Very conflicted emotionally.

Part of me was relieved because let's face it, spankings hurt. But I was also hurt that other things became more important than me. I felt like a burden. I know that I am not supposed to call myself a burden but what else could I think at this point?

At this point I didn't know what to do. It was a very emotionally unpleasant evening and next day that I spent trying to sort through my emotions.

I withdrew behind a wall and sorted things out as best I could. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to feel like a burden. I don't want to be a burden. He never really 'wanted' TTWD even though he has come around to accepting it. I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't going to put all the effort into keeping it going when it seemed to fall apart just so I could be a burden.

So after a couple days consideration I withdrew consent.

A couple days later when he finally got around to asking what was wrong and why had I become so distant I informed him that I had withdrawn consent.

This isn't the end though. I explained my side of things and how I couldn't keep doing ttwd when it just made me feel like a burden.

As we talked and he realized what it meant to no longer have ttwh and be the hoh he was a bit upset. He is going to put an effort into ttwd, including researching. So we are taking it one step at a time and will hopefully work our way back.

I don't really know how things will work out at this point. Part of me misses it and falls back into it some so it's really confusing right now. I feel like I am in limbo because we are planning to go back to it but we aren't right now.

Anyhow due to my work schedule I had planned when I signed in earlier this week to just post a 'taking a break for the summer' update. However I found a bunch of 'fun' spam that took over one of my posts. I reverted it to a draft and the spam moved on to another post. Because of the spam and the fact I am taking a break anyhow I have reverted the rest of my posts to drafts for now.

I am hoping to pop in a couple times a week to read some blogs and leave comments but I don't plan on posting much and it is unlikely I will ever 'catch up' on reading blogs.

I want to end my post with prayers for Emily. It is always sad when friends or family are sick but even more so when those loved ones are children.