Lost in the woods

I want to start out by giving a big thank you to those of you that commented on my last post. It was really great to have the support and I feel bad for not responding back like I usually do.



I have wanted to do another post for a while now but haven't had the time or just haven't been able to write. My brain just feels like such a mess of things that even trying to attempt writing anything when I had time just seemed impossible.

My mind is so cluttered and crazy that I feel like I might ramble some nonsense but it might be nice to just get some things out.

Several days after I informed Shadow that I withdrew consent he was online looking up DD stuff. I glanced over and noticed across the top of the page in big letters...

I hadn't ever mentioned it to him, not to keep it from him, I just never thought it was anything we needed at the time. So imagine my surprise when the first thing he looks up about DD is bootcamp.

I was a bit nervous about it but somewhat hopeful that maybe that was what we needed and could get us back on track.

Well he was absolutely convinced that that was what we needed and spent a week planning it out.

After a little over a week in limbo of, no DD but planning to go back, and being a bit nervous about bootcamp as well as having about a month with no spankings and desperately in need of one, I was a mess emotionally by the day before bootcamp. We went out to have fun after work.

As we sat down to dinner he wanted to get a couple things he needed to discuss about bootcamp out of the way so we could enjoy the night. That did not go well. I am not really sure why but I kind of lost it several times. I felt awful but also couldn't seem to help it. My emotions were out of control.

Well after we managed to get past that unpleasantness we did have a fun evening. The night passed with many laughs and smiles and turned out to be perfect.

By the next morning as I woke up ready for the first spanking I was almost relieved because I was such a whirlwind of emotions.

Well somethings happened that caused Shadow to call off the bootcamp by noon the first day. As it turned out bootcamp wasn't the problem and after an hour of talking and sorting things out bootcamp was back on.

Bootcamp turned out to be halfway perfect and halfway just horrible.

I had trouble getting into the right mindsest I think, and on the second day I didn't feel we had made enough progress that I would be comfortable to going back to DD.

Well in my looking through various DD sites I had come across a basic training that seemed like a good combination to add to the bootcamp. Or rather to start the day after we finished boot camp. Shadow seemed to really like it as well so we made up our own version and finished up the day of bootcamp.

Boot camp we did a weekend for 2 days and basic training was supposed to go for the following 3 weeks. Basically Shadow would just be doing several things daily from a list we agreed upon that exerted his authority. This way he was getting used to being more comfortable and consistent in his role and I would be more trusting of his leadership.

The first week went great and I really felt we were making progress.

Yes it is very frustrating. Can't things just work out sometimes!


Why does there always have to be a but?

Why does something inevitably have to go wrong?

Or maybe we weren't making the progress we thought we were otherwise we wouldn't have gotten thrown so much off course.

Basically I had some health problems that prevented us from following the basic training for a couple days.

I felt like we were staying on the path and following all the road signs in the right direction and then...

We stepped off the path for a second to get a drink from a stream...

 and now we can't find our way back to the path again.

 I am so emotionally conflicted and confused and just a jumble of emotions. Or a whirlwind of emotions. My emotions are just out of control really. 

I know I have temper problems sometimes. Sometimes my emotions just build up and then explode. Out pops my emotional tornado and it is not pretty. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes it can be downright damaging. 

Lately though my emotions just feel so raw and close the the surface. So strong and confusing. So easily turning into a whirlwind that doesn't seem to lose energy. 

I don't really know what the deal is.

I certainly don't like it and Shadow doesn't really know how to respond to it. However no matter how recently it came out it just seems to keep coming back.

We have talked about it but I don't know how much progress we are/have made. 

I am tired of being lost in the woods and just want us to find our way to any path at this point.