I don't imagine anyone starts the day thinking, I'm going to break this rule tonight and that rule in the morning. I am not going to tell my Hoh about breaking the first rule and I will break that rule again the next night.
I definitely don't plan to break any rules and I can't imagine anyone else really does it too often either.
I mean, who wants to end up in trouble? Who wants to dig a nice deep hole and make their 'in trouble' be 'even more in trouble.'
Not to mention all the negative emotions that come with all of that. Guilt. Anger. Confusion. Disappointment...
I don't know how the hole got so big. I didn't even really notice I was digging a hole until I looked up from the bottom and realized I couldn't see the top.
It was so much and so overwhelming. I couldn't begin to imagine how I was going to confess it all to Tm. It was so much though and I felt so out of control that I just wanted him to come in and fix this mess I had gotten into.
I pulled out a piece of paper and listed all my transgressions.
The more I wrote the more I realized how deep I was. The list didn't consist of minor infractions. Nope. I went big on each one.
I had mentioned before on my blog at least once about our cats and how one of them was having some issues. We took her to the vet at the beginning of summer and once she was on some meds she started to improve. Once the prescription finished she seemed okay for a while but then about a month ago she started to decline again. We took her to the vet again and they said she had something incurable and that her time was limited. There was no way to know how much time she had left. After doing some tests it was determined that we could pump her with more prescriptions but we would only be prolonging the inevitable.
She hadn't been eating for days now and couldn't even make it to the cat litter. She basically just sat in the same spot for days. If she did move it wasn't far and she wobbled so much. It was really hard and very emotional for me. I think I knew she wasn't going to make it before we even took her to the vet the last time. I couldn't bear to see her so miserable so when the vet told us the results of the tests and she could only prolong it I made a hard decision.
Part of me feels guilty, like how could I have agreed to sign her death, even though intellectually I know it wasn't fair to make her suffer any longer. I feel like a horrible person to let them stick those needles in her and have her life drain away on my words.
I wonder how much of this is tied into the huge hole I am now sitting at the bottom of.
Did I not realize I was digging the hole due to the distraction of other things? Or maybe I feel so guilty that I unconsciously committed numerous infractions because I feel I deserve to be punished for choosing to end the life...
To make matters more difficult I have been sick all week. I left the list of my misdeeds for Tm to see after he got off work and wrote up a list of all the punishments so that he wouldn't forget any. However he hasn't been able to follow through with any of them due to the fact I have been sick.
I have been so emotional lately and I am not sleeping well. In fact I haven't slept well in weeks.
I feel so confused, emotional and conflicted down in the bottom of this hole.
I want Tm to come rescue me but I am also nervous about it. I have stacked up so much it will take a week at the least to carry out all the immediate punishments (lines and spankings)
I know I deserve all of it and I feel horrible about it all that I have done to Tm. I know when he got home from work after a long day and saw the list that it was not a good moment. I can imagine he just wanted to take a shower and relax after a long day working on cars.
I am tired of the tears yet I know there will be many more in the next week.
I will miss my beautiful kitten so very much but I am grateful that she suffers no more. She is buried in a beautiful place and I won't forget her. Anyone who develops a close bond with a pet knows how hard it is to lose one but she will be remembered.
I've felt so much weighing down on me that it feels good to get much of it out. I don't feel better really but.. well.. maybe it helped a little.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Kenzie's Spanking Survey
1.) Was there a certain event from your life, that sparked the spanking interest? If so, feel free to share:
I don't think so.
2.) What do you most often call your HOH/Spanker? (Sir, Master, etc.)
Alpha
3.) What does your HOH/Spanker most often call you? (Young Lady, Girl, etc)
My name, sometimes woman
4.) We're building a big spanko bonfire, which one implement are you bringing to toss in?
Tough one really, I guess one of the wooden paddles. Though we've got like 4 or 5 now so it wouldn't make that big of a difference lol.
5.) We all know how many punishments there are to choose from; spanking, lecturing, corner time, etc.. but what about rewards? Do you have a favorite 'reward' that is used? If not, what's something you'd like used as a reward?
Hmm, Tm hasn't done too much with rewards at this point. Though he has said he plans to incorporate some at some point in the near future. Since my buying of kindle books has been cut off that would be a wonderful reward.
6.) What's that one phrase, that when it's used, you know you're in trouble?
"Come on," usually accompanied with a gesture towards the bedroom
7.) What's something you'd like to cross off your spanking bucket list? Being shy is not an option here people. ;)
hmm
8.) Someone comes to you, and says they just started practicing domestic discipline. What's the biggest piece of advice you can give them?
Communication and patience are key. It's important to communicate everything since we don't read minds and be patient. Things aren't going to become perfect overnight or in a couple weeks.
9.) Where is the craziest place you've been spanked?
Hmm, the only place I really get spanked is in the bedroom but he does give me swats out in public occasionally. One time though when we were on vacation and had been at a theme park all day something happened as we were leaving and I ended up over his lap in the back seat of the car in the parking lot. That changed my attitude real quick lol.
Oh! Actually worse than that one time leaving Walmart (I don't remember what I did) but when we got to our car he leaned me over the front and gave me half a dozen swats. That was a bit embarrassing.
10.) We talked about a spanking bucket list, now let's get a little more into it.. what about a BDSM style bucket list? What's something you'd like to cross off of that?
hmm
11.) Is there a punishment you thought you'd never try, but ended up trying and finding effective?
Lines I guess was something I could never have imagined but Tm has become rather fond of it, much to my disappointment
12.) What is something you wish you knew before you started DD/TTWD?
Well I did know some things, I just didn't take the advice. Really I couldn't bring myself to completely follow the advice. I guess I wish I had had the courage to follow the advice completely.
13.) If you could take a break from one rule, for one week, which rule would it be?
Probably the bedtime rule. I understand the need for it but absolutely hate it lol.
14.) This might sound like a no brainer at first, but really think about it. If you could only have one sort of spanking in your dynamic, would you rather it be discipline or fun?
Discipline
15.) If your HOH/Spanker messed up, and offered to let you spank them, would you? Why/Why not?
No. Even if he would let me I just couldn't do it. He's let me give him a couple swats when he gets a new implement but I only gave him a few swats and it ended up with us both laughing.
16.) What is your favorite form of aftercare?
When he holds me on his lap, I feel so safe and loved
17.) How was DD/spanking brought up to you, or how did you bring it up to your partner?
I brought it up to Tm. Initially I just mentioned it but ended up showing him a website before he agreed to give it a try
18.) If your spanker could use only one implement from here on out, what would they use?
I don't think he could just pick one at this point lol. He's been on this, 'We need more implements' phase lately.
19.) Do you have a favorite pair of panties to wear when you know you're going to be spanked? If so, what are they?
Nope, I end up having to remove them before I even go over his knee anyhow
20.) Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) mind reading hasn't yet been perfected. What's something you want your HOH/Dom/Spanker to know? (For example, don't be afraid to spank harder, or something along those lines.) Don't be afraid, spill!
I'm not going to break if he spanks a little harder and he can be more strict.
*Bonus Question (just because it's fun)- Is there a picture (spanking, dd, Ds, etc related) that you just really love? If so, let's see it!*
Have come across other pics I really liked but can't locate any of them right now. This one isn't bad though. I like how you can clearly see who is in charge but his hand on her is loving and gentle.
I don't think so.
2.) What do you most often call your HOH/Spanker? (Sir, Master, etc.)
Alpha
3.) What does your HOH/Spanker most often call you? (Young Lady, Girl, etc)
My name, sometimes woman
4.) We're building a big spanko bonfire, which one implement are you bringing to toss in?
Tough one really, I guess one of the wooden paddles. Though we've got like 4 or 5 now so it wouldn't make that big of a difference lol.
5.) We all know how many punishments there are to choose from; spanking, lecturing, corner time, etc.. but what about rewards? Do you have a favorite 'reward' that is used? If not, what's something you'd like used as a reward?
Hmm, Tm hasn't done too much with rewards at this point. Though he has said he plans to incorporate some at some point in the near future. Since my buying of kindle books has been cut off that would be a wonderful reward.
6.) What's that one phrase, that when it's used, you know you're in trouble?
"Come on," usually accompanied with a gesture towards the bedroom
7.) What's something you'd like to cross off your spanking bucket list? Being shy is not an option here people. ;)
hmm
8.) Someone comes to you, and says they just started practicing domestic discipline. What's the biggest piece of advice you can give them?
Communication and patience are key. It's important to communicate everything since we don't read minds and be patient. Things aren't going to become perfect overnight or in a couple weeks.
9.) Where is the craziest place you've been spanked?
Hmm, the only place I really get spanked is in the bedroom but he does give me swats out in public occasionally. One time though when we were on vacation and had been at a theme park all day something happened as we were leaving and I ended up over his lap in the back seat of the car in the parking lot. That changed my attitude real quick lol.
Oh! Actually worse than that one time leaving Walmart (I don't remember what I did) but when we got to our car he leaned me over the front and gave me half a dozen swats. That was a bit embarrassing.
10.) We talked about a spanking bucket list, now let's get a little more into it.. what about a BDSM style bucket list? What's something you'd like to cross off of that?
hmm
11.) Is there a punishment you thought you'd never try, but ended up trying and finding effective?
Lines I guess was something I could never have imagined but Tm has become rather fond of it, much to my disappointment
12.) What is something you wish you knew before you started DD/TTWD?
Well I did know some things, I just didn't take the advice. Really I couldn't bring myself to completely follow the advice. I guess I wish I had had the courage to follow the advice completely.
13.) If you could take a break from one rule, for one week, which rule would it be?
Probably the bedtime rule. I understand the need for it but absolutely hate it lol.
14.) This might sound like a no brainer at first, but really think about it. If you could only have one sort of spanking in your dynamic, would you rather it be discipline or fun?
Discipline
15.) If your HOH/Spanker messed up, and offered to let you spank them, would you? Why/Why not?
No. Even if he would let me I just couldn't do it. He's let me give him a couple swats when he gets a new implement but I only gave him a few swats and it ended up with us both laughing.
16.) What is your favorite form of aftercare?
When he holds me on his lap, I feel so safe and loved
17.) How was DD/spanking brought up to you, or how did you bring it up to your partner?
I brought it up to Tm. Initially I just mentioned it but ended up showing him a website before he agreed to give it a try
18.) If your spanker could use only one implement from here on out, what would they use?
I don't think he could just pick one at this point lol. He's been on this, 'We need more implements' phase lately.
19.) Do you have a favorite pair of panties to wear when you know you're going to be spanked? If so, what are they?
Nope, I end up having to remove them before I even go over his knee anyhow
20.) Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) mind reading hasn't yet been perfected. What's something you want your HOH/Dom/Spanker to know? (For example, don't be afraid to spank harder, or something along those lines.) Don't be afraid, spill!
I'm not going to break if he spanks a little harder and he can be more strict.
*Bonus Question (just because it's fun)- Is there a picture (spanking, dd, Ds, etc related) that you just really love? If so, let's see it!*
Have come across other pics I really liked but can't locate any of them right now. This one isn't bad though. I like how you can clearly see who is in charge but his hand on her is loving and gentle.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Computer problems and sleepy animals
So last week I came on several times to respond to comments and write up a blog but either blogger or my computer hates me because it was very uncooperative. First I couldn't access any of my posts, much less write a new one. By the end of last week though it said I wasn't even following any blogs. It was like my whole account was just wiped clean.
Thankfully I had so much going on that instead of panicking I found myself busy with work and other things but it has been very frustrating.
I had several times where I was really stressed last week and just wanted to sit down and write it all out on here. I thought about typing it out in Word or writing it on paper but it just didn't have the same feel I guess and I couldn't do it.
Finally yesterday when I checked back everything was back to normal as if nothing had ever happened. I really have no idea what happened or why it disappeared, except I am pretty sure my computer just hates me, but thankfully everything seems okay now.
My allergies are currently giving me horrible sinus pains so I don't have the mental powers right now to write anything more than this. Mostly I wanted to apologize for not responding to comments (which I couldn't even read but which I am very thankful for those of you that took the time to read and comment after I had been gone all summer) and I wanted to make sure blog was cooperating for me and I could get a post out.
Also wanted to share a cute video
Thankfully I had so much going on that instead of panicking I found myself busy with work and other things but it has been very frustrating.
I had several times where I was really stressed last week and just wanted to sit down and write it all out on here. I thought about typing it out in Word or writing it on paper but it just didn't have the same feel I guess and I couldn't do it.
Finally yesterday when I checked back everything was back to normal as if nothing had ever happened. I really have no idea what happened or why it disappeared, except I am pretty sure my computer just hates me, but thankfully everything seems okay now.
My allergies are currently giving me horrible sinus pains so I don't have the mental powers right now to write anything more than this. Mostly I wanted to apologize for not responding to comments (which I couldn't even read but which I am very thankful for those of you that took the time to read and comment after I had been gone all summer) and I wanted to make sure blog was cooperating for me and I could get a post out.
Also wanted to share a cute video
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Sandcastles don't really last
Wow, what a crazy summer. It seemed to fly by and move agonizingly slow at the same time. So much happened I don't even know where to start.
At the beginning of the summer we were having some.. issues..
Well I guess things really started a bit before summer. I think part of it was due to the extra stress from my job. I work with kids, which I absolutely love and wouldn't want to do anything else. But as the school year wraps up there is an extra layer of stress to get everything done in time. As if that isn't enough extra fun I also had the planning for the summer with the kiddos.
We had some personal things that popped up during that extra stressful time that put some pressure on our DD relationship and really tested it's strength.
It turns out our DD relationship hadn't been built up as strong as we thought it was.
It was like a beautiful sandcastle that was washed away by the waves.
We spent the rest of the summer trying to rebuild our DD sandcastle right there on the beach.
Tm decided we would try different buckets to make different designs
I suggested we relocate our sandcastle to a different part of the beach,
The problem wasn't the buckets that we used to mold our sand castle or where we put it.
As it turns out, if you make a castle out of sand it isn't going to last very long. Who knew?
Well we didn't clue onto this fact for a long time.
Several times during the summer we came close to just throwing in the towel and moving on without DD. But each time we managed to pick up the pieces and try again.
However the continuous failure was taking it's toll. Each time the waves crashed angrily into our sandcastle and brought our hard work crashing down it was a little bit harder to get back up and try again.
Several weeks ago marks the other extra stressful time in my work: the start of school!
which happened to fall on the same weeks as my birthday this year.
My birthday isn't really a happy thing. In fact I can count on one hand those that I actually enjoyed. Yes, that's right. Just one. Even after meeting Tm and spending them with him they still seem to carry bad luck and negativity. They have been incredibly better just having his support, but I am to the point that I just want to sleep through that day and not get out of bed until it's over.
Well this year it was extra bad and by the time I got home from work I was in tears. We had wonderful plans and Tm had all my presents set out and ready to take me out for the evening. But that all fell through and.. well I don't really want to dwell on it. Let's just say it was really bad and frustrating that this day that I was born seems to have it out for me. I think next year I am going to suggest we just celebrate my birthday on a different day.
Anyhow it put a major damper in things and probably contributed to tsunami that seemed to take out the whole entire beach full of where we had built our sandcastles. The waves crashed against the beach, knocking us down and taking all the buckets as it went back to sea.
We were left soaked, exhausted and on opposite ends of the beach. I couldn't find it in me to try again but I didn't know where to go from there. I don't think he knew where to go from there either. And at the time I was assuming the worst from him. Part of me thought that it would be the end of even 'us.'
As we lay on the beach trying to figure out where to go from there the waves continued to crash angrily down on us every once in a while.
I couldn't stop crying it seemed and withdrawn inside myself. I withdrew to the bedroom and just felt so lost, hurt and confused.
Tm came in a couple times but the angry waves crashed each time and we didn't get anywhere so he finally just left me alone, turned on the tv and made himself some dinner.
I can't even begin to explain my feelings at this point when I realized he had finally given up. I didn't know how to put things right and had no ideas anymore. Part of me just wanted him to come in and fix things.
What did that mean for us? Was there even going to be an us anymore? Where could we go from there?
Well dinner finished cooking and he came in the bedroom to tell me it was ready and should come eat.
My stomach was so knotted up there was no way I was going to put anything in it. Though part of me was starving and just wanted to go out there and have everything be right. But it wasn't and I couldn't.
After a few minutes Tm comes in and plops himself down on the ground and starts talking. Right away I can sense a difference. He decided that we were going to build the castle again but we weren't building it out of sand and it wasn't going to be located on any beaches. We were going to build our castle far away from any beaches and it would be built out of sturdier materials like wood and stone.
He told me that he didn't want to be with anyone but me and he wasn't going anywhere. We would and will have rough patches but he was going to be sticking around. He continued on that he was the Hoh and how things were going to be from here on out.
He talked for several hours, with my occasional comments or questions.
I have to admit I felt complete relief and so much love for him at this point. I felt this incredible respect for him that I hadn't felt before. That isn't to say I didn't respect him before, but it was elevated to such a level.
I feel so much more trust, respect and love at this point. Though I will admit, as he has made promises about DD in the past and then they fell apart, that I was slightly unsure. But mostly I did feel that it was different this time.
I have had some trouble in the past of being controlling in certain things. I hate it but once it gets out it seems to take over and I can't seem to contain it.
Well this new Hoh hat scared it completely away. I have had a couple moments where it peeked our but Tm has been ready each time and sends it running for the hills each time.
I know we will still have some rocky times, in fact we have had one since then, but I believe our castle will hold up against any storm.
At the beginning of the summer we were having some.. issues..
Well I guess things really started a bit before summer. I think part of it was due to the extra stress from my job. I work with kids, which I absolutely love and wouldn't want to do anything else. But as the school year wraps up there is an extra layer of stress to get everything done in time. As if that isn't enough extra fun I also had the planning for the summer with the kiddos.
We had some personal things that popped up during that extra stressful time that put some pressure on our DD relationship and really tested it's strength.
It turns out our DD relationship hadn't been built up as strong as we thought it was.
It was like a beautiful sandcastle that was washed away by the waves.
We spent the rest of the summer trying to rebuild our DD sandcastle right there on the beach.
Tm decided we would try different buckets to make different designs
and layouts,
but the waves still washed our sandcastle away.
I suggested we relocate our sandcastle to a different part of the beach,
but it still didn't help.
The problem wasn't the buckets that we used to mold our sand castle or where we put it.
As it turns out, if you make a castle out of sand it isn't going to last very long. Who knew?
Well we didn't clue onto this fact for a long time.
Several times during the summer we came close to just throwing in the towel and moving on without DD. But each time we managed to pick up the pieces and try again.
However the continuous failure was taking it's toll. Each time the waves crashed angrily into our sandcastle and brought our hard work crashing down it was a little bit harder to get back up and try again.
Several weeks ago marks the other extra stressful time in my work: the start of school!
which happened to fall on the same weeks as my birthday this year.
My birthday isn't really a happy thing. In fact I can count on one hand those that I actually enjoyed. Yes, that's right. Just one. Even after meeting Tm and spending them with him they still seem to carry bad luck and negativity. They have been incredibly better just having his support, but I am to the point that I just want to sleep through that day and not get out of bed until it's over.
Well this year it was extra bad and by the time I got home from work I was in tears. We had wonderful plans and Tm had all my presents set out and ready to take me out for the evening. But that all fell through and.. well I don't really want to dwell on it. Let's just say it was really bad and frustrating that this day that I was born seems to have it out for me. I think next year I am going to suggest we just celebrate my birthday on a different day.
Anyhow it put a major damper in things and probably contributed to tsunami that seemed to take out the whole entire beach full of where we had built our sandcastles. The waves crashed against the beach, knocking us down and taking all the buckets as it went back to sea.
We were left soaked, exhausted and on opposite ends of the beach. I couldn't find it in me to try again but I didn't know where to go from there. I don't think he knew where to go from there either. And at the time I was assuming the worst from him. Part of me thought that it would be the end of even 'us.'
As we lay on the beach trying to figure out where to go from there the waves continued to crash angrily down on us every once in a while.
I couldn't stop crying it seemed and withdrawn inside myself. I withdrew to the bedroom and just felt so lost, hurt and confused.
Tm came in a couple times but the angry waves crashed each time and we didn't get anywhere so he finally just left me alone, turned on the tv and made himself some dinner.
I can't even begin to explain my feelings at this point when I realized he had finally given up. I didn't know how to put things right and had no ideas anymore. Part of me just wanted him to come in and fix things.
What did that mean for us? Was there even going to be an us anymore? Where could we go from there?
Well dinner finished cooking and he came in the bedroom to tell me it was ready and should come eat.
My stomach was so knotted up there was no way I was going to put anything in it. Though part of me was starving and just wanted to go out there and have everything be right. But it wasn't and I couldn't.
After a few minutes Tm comes in and plops himself down on the ground and starts talking. Right away I can sense a difference. He decided that we were going to build the castle again but we weren't building it out of sand and it wasn't going to be located on any beaches. We were going to build our castle far away from any beaches and it would be built out of sturdier materials like wood and stone.
He told me that he didn't want to be with anyone but me and he wasn't going anywhere. We would and will have rough patches but he was going to be sticking around. He continued on that he was the Hoh and how things were going to be from here on out.
He talked for several hours, with my occasional comments or questions.
I have to admit I felt complete relief and so much love for him at this point. I felt this incredible respect for him that I hadn't felt before. That isn't to say I didn't respect him before, but it was elevated to such a level.
I feel so much more trust, respect and love at this point. Though I will admit, as he has made promises about DD in the past and then they fell apart, that I was slightly unsure. But mostly I did feel that it was different this time.
I have had some trouble in the past of being controlling in certain things. I hate it but once it gets out it seems to take over and I can't seem to contain it.
Well this new Hoh hat scared it completely away. I have had a couple moments where it peeked our but Tm has been ready each time and sends it running for the hills each time.
I know we will still have some rocky times, in fact we have had one since then, but I believe our castle will hold up against any storm.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Lost in the woods
I want to start out by giving a big thank you to those of you that commented on my last post. It was really great to have the support and I feel bad for not responding back like I usually do.
I have wanted to do another post for a while now but haven't had the time or just haven't been able to write. My brain just feels like such a mess of things that even trying to attempt writing anything when I had time just seemed impossible.
My mind is so cluttered and crazy that I feel like I might ramble some nonsense but it might be nice to just get some things out.
Several days after I informed Shadow that I withdrew consent he was online looking up DD stuff. I glanced over and noticed across the top of the page in big letters...
I hadn't ever mentioned it to him, not to keep it from him, I just never thought it was anything we needed at the time. So imagine my surprise when the first thing he looks up about DD is bootcamp.
I was a bit nervous about it but somewhat hopeful that maybe that was what we needed and could get us back on track.
Well he was absolutely convinced that that was what we needed and spent a week planning it out.
After a little over a week in limbo of, no DD but planning to go back, and being a bit nervous about bootcamp as well as having about a month with no spankings and desperately in need of one, I was a mess emotionally by the day before bootcamp. We went out to have fun after work.
As we sat down to dinner he wanted to get a couple things he needed to discuss about bootcamp out of the way so we could enjoy the night. That did not go well. I am not really sure why but I kind of lost it several times. I felt awful but also couldn't seem to help it. My emotions were out of control.
Well after we managed to get past that unpleasantness we did have a fun evening. The night passed with many laughs and smiles and turned out to be perfect.
By the next morning as I woke up ready for the first spanking I was almost relieved because I was such a whirlwind of emotions.
Well somethings happened that caused Shadow to call off the bootcamp by noon the first day. As it turned out bootcamp wasn't the problem and after an hour of talking and sorting things out bootcamp was back on.
Bootcamp turned out to be halfway perfect and halfway just horrible.
I had trouble getting into the right mindsest I think, and on the second day I didn't feel we had made enough progress that I would be comfortable to going back to DD.
Well in my looking through various DD sites I had come across a basic training that seemed like a good combination to add to the bootcamp. Or rather to start the day after we finished boot camp. Shadow seemed to really like it as well so we made up our own version and finished up the day of bootcamp.
Boot camp we did a weekend for 2 days and basic training was supposed to go for the following 3 weeks. Basically Shadow would just be doing several things daily from a list we agreed upon that exerted his authority. This way he was getting used to being more comfortable and consistent in his role and I would be more trusting of his leadership.
The first week went great and I really felt we were making progress.
Yes it is very frustrating. Can't things just work out sometimes!
Why does there always have to be a but?
Why does something inevitably have to go wrong?
Or maybe we weren't making the progress we thought we were otherwise we wouldn't have gotten thrown so much off course.
Basically I had some health problems that prevented us from following the basic training for a couple days.
I felt like we were staying on the path and following all the road signs in the right direction and then...
I have wanted to do another post for a while now but haven't had the time or just haven't been able to write. My brain just feels like such a mess of things that even trying to attempt writing anything when I had time just seemed impossible.
My mind is so cluttered and crazy that I feel like I might ramble some nonsense but it might be nice to just get some things out.
Several days after I informed Shadow that I withdrew consent he was online looking up DD stuff. I glanced over and noticed across the top of the page in big letters...
I hadn't ever mentioned it to him, not to keep it from him, I just never thought it was anything we needed at the time. So imagine my surprise when the first thing he looks up about DD is bootcamp.
I was a bit nervous about it but somewhat hopeful that maybe that was what we needed and could get us back on track.
Well he was absolutely convinced that that was what we needed and spent a week planning it out.
After a little over a week in limbo of, no DD but planning to go back, and being a bit nervous about bootcamp as well as having about a month with no spankings and desperately in need of one, I was a mess emotionally by the day before bootcamp. We went out to have fun after work.
As we sat down to dinner he wanted to get a couple things he needed to discuss about bootcamp out of the way so we could enjoy the night. That did not go well. I am not really sure why but I kind of lost it several times. I felt awful but also couldn't seem to help it. My emotions were out of control.
Well after we managed to get past that unpleasantness we did have a fun evening. The night passed with many laughs and smiles and turned out to be perfect.
By the next morning as I woke up ready for the first spanking I was almost relieved because I was such a whirlwind of emotions.
Well somethings happened that caused Shadow to call off the bootcamp by noon the first day. As it turned out bootcamp wasn't the problem and after an hour of talking and sorting things out bootcamp was back on.
Bootcamp turned out to be halfway perfect and halfway just horrible.
I had trouble getting into the right mindsest I think, and on the second day I didn't feel we had made enough progress that I would be comfortable to going back to DD.
Well in my looking through various DD sites I had come across a basic training that seemed like a good combination to add to the bootcamp. Or rather to start the day after we finished boot camp. Shadow seemed to really like it as well so we made up our own version and finished up the day of bootcamp.
Boot camp we did a weekend for 2 days and basic training was supposed to go for the following 3 weeks. Basically Shadow would just be doing several things daily from a list we agreed upon that exerted his authority. This way he was getting used to being more comfortable and consistent in his role and I would be more trusting of his leadership.
The first week went great and I really felt we were making progress.
Yes it is very frustrating. Can't things just work out sometimes!
Why does there always have to be a but?
Why does something inevitably have to go wrong?
Or maybe we weren't making the progress we thought we were otherwise we wouldn't have gotten thrown so much off course.
Basically I had some health problems that prevented us from following the basic training for a couple days.
I felt like we were staying on the path and following all the road signs in the right direction and then...
We stepped off the path for a second to get a drink from a stream...
and now we can't find our way back to the path again.
I am so emotionally conflicted and confused and just a jumble of emotions. Or a whirlwind of emotions. My emotions are just out of control really.
I know I have temper problems sometimes. Sometimes my emotions just build up and then explode. Out pops my emotional tornado and it is not pretty. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes it can be downright damaging.
Lately though my emotions just feel so raw and close the the surface. So strong and confusing. So easily turning into a whirlwind that doesn't seem to lose energy.
I don't really know what the deal is.
I certainly don't like it and Shadow doesn't really know how to respond to it. However no matter how recently it came out it just seems to keep coming back.
We have talked about it but I don't know how much progress we are/have made.
I am tired of being lost in the woods and just want us to find our way to any path at this point.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
I'm not gone, just taking a break
This past month has been so busy and stressful that I found myself not even having time to post much and fell way behind in reading blogs. It go to the point where the last 3 weeks I didn't go on my computer much at all. My schedule for work changed and my time at home alone is now greatly diminished. When Shadow(since he joined the DD forums and such with this name I will call him that for now on) is home I prefer to spend my time with him rather than jumping online to read blogs or post my own.
Due to this when I signed on earlier this week I found many blogs empty and was quite confused. I figured out what happened and it's a bit disappointing to have DD misrepresented as it was but there will always be narrow minded and judgmental people. No way around that for those of us that choose to live this lifestyle.
On the DD front I have been so busy with things that I haven't gotten in trouble much at all, but even when there were little issues there was no spanking really. However most of those times I could understand having the punishment or not and able to accept it easily enough. But then there was an incident that was over the top. I didn't just put a foot over the line or jump across.
Nope.
I jumped across and kept going.
I left the line way behind and went for a run in forbidden territory.
However I ended up being sick that evening and he was unable to spank so I had to wait until the next night.
So I spend the next day a bit nervous about it and then... nothing.
Well I was very confused and a bit of a mess the rest of the night. Very conflicted emotionally.
Part of me was relieved because let's face it, spankings hurt. But I was also hurt that other things became more important than me. I felt like a burden. I know that I am not supposed to call myself a burden but what else could I think at this point?
At this point I didn't know what to do. It was a very emotionally unpleasant evening and next day that I spent trying to sort through my emotions.
I withdrew behind a wall and sorted things out as best I could. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to feel like a burden. I don't want to be a burden. He never really 'wanted' TTWD even though he has come around to accepting it. I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't going to put all the effort into keeping it going when it seemed to fall apart just so I could be a burden.
So after a couple days consideration I withdrew consent.
A couple days later when he finally got around to asking what was wrong and why had I become so distant I informed him that I had withdrawn consent.
This isn't the end though. I explained my side of things and how I couldn't keep doing ttwd when it just made me feel like a burden.
As we talked and he realized what it meant to no longer have ttwh and be the hoh he was a bit upset. He is going to put an effort into ttwd, including researching. So we are taking it one step at a time and will hopefully work our way back.
I don't really know how things will work out at this point. Part of me misses it and falls back into it some so it's really confusing right now. I feel like I am in limbo because we are planning to go back to it but we aren't right now.
Anyhow due to my work schedule I had planned when I signed in earlier this week to just post a 'taking a break for the summer' update. However I found a bunch of 'fun' spam that took over one of my posts. I reverted it to a draft and the spam moved on to another post. Because of the spam and the fact I am taking a break anyhow I have reverted the rest of my posts to drafts for now.
I am hoping to pop in a couple times a week to read some blogs and leave comments but I don't plan on posting much and it is unlikely I will ever 'catch up' on reading blogs.
I want to end my post with prayers for Emily. It is always sad when friends or family are sick but even more so when those loved ones are children.
Due to this when I signed on earlier this week I found many blogs empty and was quite confused. I figured out what happened and it's a bit disappointing to have DD misrepresented as it was but there will always be narrow minded and judgmental people. No way around that for those of us that choose to live this lifestyle.
On the DD front I have been so busy with things that I haven't gotten in trouble much at all, but even when there were little issues there was no spanking really. However most of those times I could understand having the punishment or not and able to accept it easily enough. But then there was an incident that was over the top. I didn't just put a foot over the line or jump across.
Nope.
I jumped across and kept going.
I left the line way behind and went for a run in forbidden territory.
However I ended up being sick that evening and he was unable to spank so I had to wait until the next night.
So I spend the next day a bit nervous about it and then... nothing.
Well I was very confused and a bit of a mess the rest of the night. Very conflicted emotionally.
Part of me was relieved because let's face it, spankings hurt. But I was also hurt that other things became more important than me. I felt like a burden. I know that I am not supposed to call myself a burden but what else could I think at this point?
At this point I didn't know what to do. It was a very emotionally unpleasant evening and next day that I spent trying to sort through my emotions.
I withdrew behind a wall and sorted things out as best I could. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to feel like a burden. I don't want to be a burden. He never really 'wanted' TTWD even though he has come around to accepting it. I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't going to put all the effort into keeping it going when it seemed to fall apart just so I could be a burden.
So after a couple days consideration I withdrew consent.
A couple days later when he finally got around to asking what was wrong and why had I become so distant I informed him that I had withdrawn consent.
This isn't the end though. I explained my side of things and how I couldn't keep doing ttwd when it just made me feel like a burden.
As we talked and he realized what it meant to no longer have ttwh and be the hoh he was a bit upset. He is going to put an effort into ttwd, including researching. So we are taking it one step at a time and will hopefully work our way back.
I don't really know how things will work out at this point. Part of me misses it and falls back into it some so it's really confusing right now. I feel like I am in limbo because we are planning to go back to it but we aren't right now.
Anyhow due to my work schedule I had planned when I signed in earlier this week to just post a 'taking a break for the summer' update. However I found a bunch of 'fun' spam that took over one of my posts. I reverted it to a draft and the spam moved on to another post. Because of the spam and the fact I am taking a break anyhow I have reverted the rest of my posts to drafts for now.
I am hoping to pop in a couple times a week to read some blogs and leave comments but I don't plan on posting much and it is unlikely I will ever 'catch up' on reading blogs.
I want to end my post with prayers for Emily. It is always sad when friends or family are sick but even more so when those loved ones are children.
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