Looking up from the bottom of a deep hole

I don't imagine anyone starts the day thinking, I'm going to break this rule tonight and that rule in the morning. I am not going to tell my Hoh about breaking the first rule and I will break that rule again the next night.

I definitely don't plan to break any rules and I can't imagine anyone else really does it too often either.

I mean, who wants to end up in trouble? Who wants to dig a nice deep hole and make their 'in trouble' be 'even more in trouble.'

Not to mention all the negative emotions that come with all of that. Guilt. Anger. Confusion. Disappointment...

I don't know how the hole got so big. I didn't even really notice I was digging a hole until I looked up from the bottom and realized I couldn't see the top.

It was so much and so overwhelming. I couldn't begin to imagine how I was going to confess it all to Tm. It was so much though and I felt so out of control that I just wanted him to come in and fix this mess I had gotten into.

I pulled out a piece of paper and listed all my transgressions.

The more I wrote the more I realized how deep I was. The list didn't consist of minor infractions. Nope. I went big on each one.

I had mentioned before on my blog at least once about our cats and how one of them was having some issues. We took her to the vet at the beginning of summer and once she was on some meds she started to improve. Once the prescription finished she seemed okay for a while but then about a month ago she started to decline again. We took her to the vet again and they said she had something incurable and that her time was limited. There was no way to know how much time she had left. After doing some tests it was determined that we could pump her with more prescriptions but we would only be prolonging the inevitable.

She hadn't been eating for days now and couldn't even make it to the cat litter. She basically just sat in the same spot for days. If she did move it wasn't far and she wobbled so much. It was really hard and very emotional for me. I think I knew she wasn't going to make it before we even took her to the vet the last time. I couldn't bear to see her so miserable so when the vet told us the results of the tests and she could only prolong it I made a hard decision.

Part of me feels guilty, like how could I have agreed to sign her death, even though intellectually I know it wasn't fair to make her suffer any longer. I feel like a horrible person to let them stick those needles in her and have her life drain away on my words.

I wonder how much of this is tied into the huge hole I am now sitting at the bottom of.

Did I not realize I was digging the hole due to the distraction of other things? Or maybe I feel so guilty that I unconsciously committed numerous infractions because I feel I deserve to be punished for choosing to end the life...

To make matters more difficult I have been sick all week. I left the list of my misdeeds for Tm to see after he got off work and wrote up a list of all the punishments so that he wouldn't forget any. However he hasn't been able to follow through with any of them due to the fact I have been sick.

I have been so emotional lately and I am not sleeping well. In fact I haven't slept well in weeks.

I feel so confused, emotional and conflicted down in the bottom of this hole.

I want Tm to come rescue me but I am also nervous about it. I have stacked up so much it will take a week at the least to carry out all the immediate punishments (lines and spankings)

I know I deserve all of it and I feel horrible about it all that I have done to Tm. I know when he got home from work after a long day and saw the list that it was not a good moment. I can imagine he just wanted to take a shower and relax after a long day working on cars.

I am tired of the tears yet I know there will be many more in the next week.

 I will miss my beautiful kitten so very much but I am grateful that she suffers no more. She is buried in a beautiful place and I won't forget her. Anyone who develops a close bond with a pet knows how hard it is to lose one but she will be remembered.

I've felt so much weighing down on me that it feels good to get much of it out. I don't feel better really but.. well.. maybe it helped a little.